A Wizard Cannot Love
by Felix Canis
Summary: Aragorn/Gandalf slash, with other secondary pairings. please give it a chance. No graphic details, but may be rated R later for suggested sexual content.
1. Beginning

A Wizard cannot love.  
  
I am not talking of love for those around him. I am not talking about compassion. I am talking about love, loving a person more than life itself, willing to give your life, your very existence, just for their happiness alone.  
  
I am talking about romance.  
  
You may ask why I say this. I say this because this- our story- must be understood, must be heard. The story of two lovers, from different worlds, different pasts, bound to the same journey. Bound to the same fate.  
  
~*~  
  
When I first met him, I knew there was more to him than met the eye. Those young eyes- his, the same color as had been in his bloodline for a thousand years- told a story ages old. Now the eyes have changed, but the story is still behind them. Still ahead of them. His eyes speak of the Ring, of Isildur, simultaneously of the past and of the future.  
  
Looking back, I don't think I knew at the time why I loved him. Maybe I will never completely know- all I really know is that, when his eyes meet mine, a charge goes through me. I feel as though I must protect him from hurt; put myself in harm's way instead. I long for something that will never be.  
  
We have different paths, and he has promised to another.  
  
~*~  
  
It started with an accidental meeting of eyes, a soft touch on the cheek. I had been trying to comfort him after he had told me of his dilemma, with Elrond unaccepting of him and Arwen. Before I knew what I was doing, I cupped his cheek in my hand and then pulled him in for a hug. That was the year 2957.  
  
Now it's far different.  
  
I manage to keep my love under wraps, and I am thankful that wizards were not made to love more than platonically, so little or no lust makes it easier to pretend I love him in a different way. But sometimes, in the icy chill of midnight, it's too much to bear. Sometimes I long for him, long for his touch, yearn for him to know how I feel, but it is impossible. A connection such as that would serve as a dangerous distraction on this journey.  
  
And he is to be with Arwen.  
  
~*~  
  
Mithrandir.  
  
How lovely the name sounds.  
  
He thinks I do not know of his love for me. I do. How can I not? I can read it in his eyes, I can pick it up like an electric charge when he touches me or looks at me.  
  
Do I love him?  
  
I have promised myself to Arwen, and she is the jewel of my heart. But what of Gandalf? Do I love him? Do I? I believe I do. And Arwen would want me to follow my heart.  
  
I must speak with him.  
  
~*~  
  
"Gandalf," Aragorn said softly into the calm of the night. The old wizard closed his eyes.  
  
"Yes, Aragorn?"  
  
"I need to talk with you."  
  
"You should get sleep, Aragorn. You will need it."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Sleep."  
  
"No. I must confer with you."  
  
"Alright," Gandalf said, giving up. "What is it? Is it the route? Do you sense danger? Is there-" He was cut off by the ranger, putting a finger to the man's lips.  
  
"I know what you feel for me."  
  
The wizard froze. How could Aragorn know this? Could he? He decided to let Aragorn continue so as not to give himself away if he was wrong.  
  
"Mithrandir," he said, as if trying the name out for the first time. Gandalf remained silent. "Please, talk to me."  
  
"You cannot know."  
  
"But I do. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, hear it in your voice when you speak to me."  
  
Gandalf looked slowly up at the ranger. Aragorn shifted so he was facing Gandalf head-on and tilted the old man's chin slightly up with his thumb.  
  
"You do not have to deny it, nor hide it."  
  
"Yes I do. Attachments are dangerous, you know that."  
  
Aragorn looked into the wizard's eyes for a moment before something overtook him. He leaned forward, covering Gandalf's lips with his own. He felt Gandalf melt under his touch, felt himself subconsciously lower to one knee to steady himself. Felt Gandalf's hand come up and softly caress his neck, pulling him in closer.  
  
"A wizard cannot love, Estel. You know that. I told you that years ago." He said when at last they parted for air.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"We are not suited to it."  
  
"Everyone has to have love." He smirked the tiniest bit. "And you would have pushed me away just now if you didn't feel anything beyond platonic companionship."  
  
"It wouldn't work out."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You're promised to Arwen. You're the future king of Gondor. I'm an old immortal fool."  
  
"I beg to differ on that. And Arwen would want me to follow my heart; she wouldn't want a loveless relationship. Although I've only recently realized it, I.I think I love you."  
  
Gandalf reached up to caress the man's cheek.  
  
"Please." The statement was more of a command, a statement rather than a question. When the wizard did not answer, he came down once more and kissed him, a sweet meeting of warm lips. Gandalf adjusted into the kiss, not pushing Aragorn away. When he became a bit more comfortable, Aragorn ran the tip of his tongue along the rim of Gandalf's upper lip. He had never seriously imagined himself here, but now it seemed the only place to be. It seemed right. With Arwen it seemed right, but right now he wasn't thinking about Arwen. He was thinking of how good this was, how wonderful this felt.  
  
When at last they parted, Gandalf was the first to speak.  
  
"Go- Sleep now. You have had your talk."  
  
"Are we.?" Aragorn trailed off, but no response was to be heard. 


	2. Meeting

A/N: I do talk of sex in this chapter, but it's nothing above PG or PG-13, and not mentioned directly, but implied. I've heard reviews that it was "sick for a young man and an old geezer to be gettin' it on" and that I should "sooo have a gay sex scene with Aragorn and Mithrandir", so I'm going the way I personally want to go.as in all my love stories, the characters will have lovey-dovey scenes, devoid of sex (except a little desciption of the scene, but nothing involving nudity or anything physical above PG or maaaaybe PG13. I may be not have an innocent mind * coughcough *, but I could never write a sex scene. That would be the day that hell freezes over.)  
  
Now on with the fic!  
  
~*~  
  
My journey is not a happy one. First, parting from Arwen, going on a mission I did not know if I would return from. Then, I realized Mithrandir loved me, and looked inside myself, finding I truly loved him back. I confronted him about this, knowing that confrontation was the only thing to do concerning matters of the heart. For a week, maybe two, I had what I wanted. I was content. Then, in a moment of sacrifice, my heart was ripped right out of my chest.  
  
~*~  
  
"Gandalf!"  
  
Frodo's screams drowned out my own.  
  
"I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Ainur. Dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!"  
  
My eyes were wide with terror. He'd be all right, though- later tonight he'd be safe in my arms.  
  
Everything slowed down as the bridge crumbled and the Balrog fell. It seemed that the Balrog was far enough down to not be able to reach Mithrandir, like the whip was too short to reach. But even as it fell, it was whirling it back around, the tongue of fire wrapping around the wizard, dragging him to the edge of the bridge.  
  
"Fly, you fools!" he said, and he was gone.  
  
My Gandalf, the love of my life, was gone.  
  
In numb disbelief I led the fellowship out of the mines, out into the cold, bitter snow.  
  
"Legolas, get the map."  
  
The elf looked up at me, sadness corrupting his ageless blue eyes.  
  
"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"  
  
"By nighttime these hills will be swarming with Orcs! On your feet, Sam," the last part said to the hobbit sitting nearest me.  
  
~*~  
  
I resolved my mind that night to focus solely on the quest from then on, not having anything to live for but going on with everything to fight for.  
  
~*~  
  
Legolas noticed it first. Something wasn't quite right.  
  
"The White Wizard approaches," he said, eyes filled with a cold, metallic glint.  
  
"We must be swift. We must not let him speak." My hand gripped the hilt of my sword, and I tried to shake Gandalf's memory from my mind, but the image stuck.  
  
We whipped around, ready to attack the white wizard. Gimli flung his axe, but it bounced off the shield of light. Legolas shot an arrow, but it ricocheted off the bright sphere and shattered. As I was ready to charge and dismember this wizard who had ultimately been my love's destruction, my sword grew hot in my hand, searing me so badly I dropped it.  
  
"You seek two hobbits. They passed this way not long ago. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"  
  
The wizard let his shield down and my spirit soared.  
  
"Gandalf," I said, barely breathing and hardly daring to believe it was true.  
  
~*~  
  
Gimli and Legolas had long since fallen asleep, and I breathed slowly, rhythmically, to give the appearance that I was asleep. Unfortunately, this failed as I heard Gandalf shift, sighing. I gave up, propping myself up on one elbow.  
  
"Mithrandir," I said as quietly as I could. He was silent but I knew he had heard me. I got up and walked to where he sat, in his typical thinking position against a tree. He did not look up, but I knew he was watching my approach from the corners of his eyes.  
  
"Aragorn, you need rest. There will soon be war brewing."  
  
"You know this." I said, as a statement, rather than a question. He nodded ever so slightly, and I sat down next to him.  
  
"Sleep, Aragorn."  
  
"No, Gandalf," I said softly. It was not an argument, but a statement showing that I would not back down, that I was going to stay where I was.  
  
"What is it?" He sighed reluctantly.  
  
"You," I said. "I need time with you. Alone. Now."  
  
He was silent for a moment, and I thought for a second he'd misinterpreted my requests.demands. for time together. I didn't want him to think I was just in this for a physical relationship. actually, that was what had almost held me back. I had heard stories in Rohan of men having relationships with other men, but it was all hush-hush, and I didn't know if a wizard was the same as a human in body structure.was a physical relationship even possible?  
  
"Just to talk?" he asked, bemused at my mistake in phrasing.  
  
"Just to talk," I said, reassuring him. 


	3. Loving

A Wizard Cannot Love Chapter Three  
  
A/N: this chapter dedicated to "me". You were the one who got me [that's 'you' to you, 'me'] to get up and do this again, so here's to you, me.  
  
~*~  
  
The days and weeks wore on. Eventually we came to Edoras. I cured Theoden, and we spent a short time there in Edoras as we waited for what we knew was coming. The declaration came one day:  
  
"The city must empty!" the crier's calls echoed through the walled city, and my heart rent. I knew that our stay there would be finite, but I was still extremely reluctant to leave the city, as it meant leaving Aragorn to find Eomer and his men. That night, I lay awake in the small room that I had to myself, tossing and turning and thinking about Aragorn, in his room not a hundred ells away. Is he awake? I asked myself. Is he thinking about me?  
  
I turned again, to see a small shaft of light coming from the door. From the shaft of light I could see a small piece of folded parchment just inside the doorway. I slowly got to my feel and bent to pick up the parchment.  
  
Leaning towards the door so I could read the note, I unfolded it, hands shaking.  
  
M- five minutes, my room. A.  
  
I blinked and read the note again. Dare I go? Yes. This was the last time I might get to see him for a while. I sat on the bed and stared into the darkness. Then, gathering all the calmness I could muster, I pocketed the note and walked down the hall to Aragorn's room.  
  
"Estel," I breathed as I entered the room. Before my eyes could adjust to the light, I was wrapped in a firm hug and I felt Aragorn's forehead on my shoulder. Though taken aback, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer to me. I felt him jerk a couple times as he started to cry, the sobs shaking his body.  
  
"I'm.I'm sorry, Mi.Mithrandir. I.I know I shouldn't."  
  
"Nonsense," I said promptly, rubbing a hand in small circles on his back, hoping this was comforting. "You have the right to cry."  
  
"No, I don't. I'm supposed to be a leader and all I've managed to do is mess everything up. I just." he sighed and trailed off.  
  
"Just how have you messed things up?"  
  
He looked up at me for a moment and I saw those eyes, those eyes that had always enchanted me, looking back at me with grief.  
  
"We shouldn't even be doing this. I'm.I."  
  
"Don't you dare say that. If you truly love me as much as I love you, then this is the only thing to do. I know you're promised to Arwen. If you'd prefer, we can forget this whole thing.go back to being traveling companions, nothing more. I'm willing to do whatever it is that will make you happiest. Wizards are not made to love this way, Estel."  
  
I felt him hesitate for a minute.  
  
"I know, but."  
  
He sighed and seemed to give up for a second. "How can anything that feels this right be wrong?"  
  
"It isn't, like I've said. This is one of those grey areas, Estel. There are no universal 'rights' or 'wrongs' in love. It's something you have to discover for yourself."  
  
~*~  
  
I nodded, unable to speak. I felt as though my knees were about to go out on me- I was so exhausted. I hadn't slept at all since we'd gone to our rooms early this evening to rest up before leaving the city. I felt a pit in my stomach from the idea of being separated from Gandalf again.  
  
"Here, Aragorn," he said, seeming to sense my fragility at the second. He led me over to sit on the bed, and sat next to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and put my face on his shoulder. I felt his hand on the back of my head, tangling in my hair. I breathed in deeply, more comfortable that I'd been since perhaps Rivendell, and moved one hand to go up around his neck.  
  
"But.In the morning, We'll be separated. You'll go off to find Eomer, and I'll be off to Helm's Deep."  
  
"Shh.Aragorn, don't think about it. It's only us right now. Just think of it as no tomorrow, only the moment. Now, you need to get some sleep."  
  
"Mithrandir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why are you always talking about sleep?"  
  
"Because I worry about you."  
  
"Please, don't worry about me."  
  
"I have to."  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
"Yes, I do. Loving is worrying."  
  
I smiled. "Alright, I'll try. But. stay with me?"  
  
"Always."  
  
I pulled away from him and lay on my bed, and he lay next to me. I wrapped my arms around him, my eyelids suddenly feeling extremely heavy. Before giving into the dark warmth of sleep, however, I had one thing to say.  
  
"Gandalf?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I. I love you."  
  
"And I you, Aragorn." 


End file.
